On infant loss and God's presence

I’ve debated internally all month about whether to add my voice to the conversation of infant loss. The internet has enough voices shouting awareness of this wretched grief. What can my words add? What can I say that someone else hasn’t? But perhaps that’s not the idea. Perhaps, the value in adding my voice is to join with others who proclaim—God is here with you. I want my journey to point you to Him. He is the foundation and source of all strength and joy, the faithful one who will sustain you through every day of the life He gives you.

My child-bearing years were filled with a roller coaster of good and awful. There has been much joy and much pain. From the first surprising positive test to the final, equally desired and terrifying positive test, God has carried me through. I say carried because though I am a fiercely independent oldest daughter who hates to admit the need for help (just ask my husband if you have any doubt), the grief of facing my children’s deaths gutted me so deeply that if God had not picked me up and carried me in His arms each day, I would not have been able to get out of bed to care for the little ones that have been entrusted to me here on earth.

Ultimately, infant loss is a side effect of the fallen state of our world. It grieves the Lord who made our children, but in His goodness, He takes them to our true home where they will never endure pain, sin, or sorrow but in fact, get to skip ahead to the worshiping and glorifying forever part of eternity. As I think of that now, I find myself a bit jealous, and definitely filled with longing for those days to come for the rest of us. That’s a bit of an improvement, considering I spent a lot of years intermittently angry with the brokenness of this world and with God Himself, even though I clung to Him desperately for “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow”.

Grief has no timeline. Some days I am strong and able to dwell in the present time, full of the joys of raising two big kids and a toddler, marriage to my very best friend, fulfilling work, a growing Biblically-faithful church and hope in what God might do through my life for my family and community. My soul sings “How Great Thou Art” and truly means it. Other days, more than I like to admit, I’m on the kitchen floor in tears seemingly out of nowhere, because some small thing triggered a flood of sorrow.

It gets easier to bear, and the wounds scab over. Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself. In your dark days, beg for strength. Persevere, because Bright Hope will come. As He is here with me, God is here with you.

P.S. I am here, too, if you ever want support. Or if you want to support someone going through this specific kind of grief, reach out and I’ll gladly discuss ways you can do just that. Just message me.